May 31, 2013 www.nomorefakenews.com
FOX News: “Illegal immigrant mother of seven given food stamps, meds, housing, and Social Security—for 20 years.”
Bob and Sally Craft have written a book. Overnight, it’s leaped to the top of the New York Times best-seller list: The Key to Wealth: Swimming Lessons.
In 2012, Bob and Sally, who were living in Toledo, made a bold move. They hitchhiked to Texas, crossed the border into Mexico, swam back across the Rio Grande, and applied for federal benefits.
“Little did we know how rich we’d become,” Sally said. “Our government counselor told us we were suddenly eligible for $700 a month and free housing. For the rest of our lives.”
But that was just the beginning of the story.
Bob, who was an out-of-work accountant, after serving two years in prison on a fraud charge, “ran some numbers.”
“You see,” Bob said, “sitting there across from our federal-aid counselor, still dripping wet from our swim back into the US, I realized she was talking about giving Sally and me roughly five million dollars over the course of our lives.”
Bob proposed an alternative payout plan.
Francine Baggit, their counselor, was amazed as she listened. “Bob explained that if we paid them the whole sum at once, they could invest it. I personally wrote a letter to the president, and two weeks later I almost fell off my chair when he called me at home.”
The president, through Press Secretary Ray Blarney, released an historic statement yesterday. “We now can assure help to those who need it,” Blarney said. “Essentially, welfare can be moved over into a new system. Lifetime pay-outs in one lump sum. Investment accounts.”
This triggered a mass exodus, temporary to be sure, from the US into Mexico. At last count, the Department of Homeland Security, who is supervising what they’re calling ‘Operation Red Sea,’ estimates that 150 million Americans are making their way to the Mexican border in Texas, California, Arizona, and New Mexico.
“We’re trying to keep this orderly,” stated Janet Neoconitan. “It’s turning into a full-time job. The swim and dash back into the US is fraught with logistical problems.”
According to CIA spokesman Frank Earnest, the unwritten agreement with the Mexican Sinaloa cartel “is being reworked on the fly.”
Earnest explained that 150 million Americans will certainly clog up the prescribed routes for importation of heroin and cocaine into the US.
“Up until now,” Earnest said, “Sinaloa and the US government had neatly marked out crossing points for drugs, and then clean paths for eighteen-wheelers into Los Angeles and Chicago. But we’re in a chaotic situation all of a sudden.”
One solution? The mayors of those two cities are suggesting that “well-qualified exiting American citizens” can be given vehicles loaded with drugs and then drive them back into the US through Chula Vista.
“It’s just a thought at this point,” stated Chicago Mayor Tom Godfather. “We’re being forced to improvise. We want to preserve our special relationship with Sinaloa, of course. After all, the kickbacks from drug profits help fund the whole federal welfare program. Minus the rake-off and the skim for politicians,” he added.
As the president watched drone coverage of the mass exodus in his office today, he remarked to several reporters from the Associated Press: “This is the kind of American initiative I’ve been talking about for five years. You boys give us plenty of play on this story and we’ll stop bugging some of your phones.”
One reporter replied, “Sir, I’ll be covering it in the trenches. My whole family is flying to Tijuana tonight. We’ll come back tomorrow and apply for federal aid.”
The president nodded. “I might be right there with you. I just wish I had more kids. The benefits apply across the board. No Ageism for this commander-in-chief.”
Meanwhile, Bob and Sally Craft are off on a book tour. These two millionaires are taking their new-found wealth in stride.
“For us,” Sally told Brian Williams, “it’s about helping others help themselves.”
Bob said, “There are sunny days and rainy days, Brian. You’ve got to manage your assets over the long haul. That’s what we’re doing, and that’s what we want for all Americans. My father, who was abusive in so many ways when we were growing up, nevertheless worked all his life as a wheelchair-ramp repairman. He slaved for a minimum wage. When I was nine, I vowed to do something about raising that minimum, and now Sally and I have.”
Williams replied, “I’m going to say the lights here in the studio are a little too bright, but really, the mistiness in my eyes is a result of something else. I think this whole nation is on an emotional edge tonight. It’s seeing the realization of a dream we never thought possible in our lifetimes.”
Scott Pelley, in an interview with Gamey Lyman, the CEO of Soldman Cracks JP Gorgon Mace, the famed Wall Street investment bank, asked this question: “Gamey, how do you think this new and startling financial revolution will affecting trading markets?”
Lyman answered, “Scott, look at it this way. Every American who travels to Mexico and comes back will be given an account worth five million dollars. Do the math. It’s a drop in the bucket, when you have the ability to concoct endless money directly out of Ben Bernanke’s ass. And by the way, my colleagues and I don’t want to take a back seat to anybody. The amount of cash we’ve been able to siphon out of the system over the last ten years would make your head swim.”
As the ABC evening newscast began, Diane Sawyer appeared on camera weeping uncontrollably. She kept it up in an unbroken stream for the entire hour. Finally, she said, in a voice trembling with emotion, “This is joy you’re seeing here, not sadness. All the sadness is gone.”
Oprah has just inked a new contract to return to CBS. “I had to,” she said. “I want all America to watch and hear the stories of people who ‘crossed over and came back.’ I’ll be talking to these families for the next ten years, revealing their heart wrenching histories and their triumphs.”
The president of Mexico has just made a nationally televised statement. “This is a great day for our country,” he said. “In the next six months, I expect Mexico to empty out. Everybody will be going to the US. Then, the fifteen families who own Mexico will be able to look around and actually see what they have. We’ll feel new hope. The nightmare is over.”
RAND Corporation spokesman, Saul Depop, spoke with reporters in Santa Monica, California tonight. “I expect by next week,” he said, “to see the creation of a federally run investment house. It’s a natural consequence of the new policy. People can take their five million dollars and put it directly into an IRS hedge fund. It’ll vastly increase tax revenues, and at the same time the government can assume a more overt role in managing booms, bubbles, and busts.”
In a related story, Phil and Connie James, an Oregon couple who just returned from their Mexico City vacation, told a reporter for their local paper they wouldn’t be applying for federal benefits.
“It sounds like a very nice package,” Mr. James said, “but we’re fine. We don’t need the money and we don’t make investments.”
Shortly after the paper ran their story, the James family was surrounded by a mob of angry residents who pelted them with eggs, stones, and marbles.
Mr. James and his two sons were transported to a local hospital. Mrs. James was unhurt. A doctor at the hospital emerged and made the following statement: “They’re okay after surgery. This is one of those situations, frankly, where you don’t want to give people care, but you have to. We take an oath to help, and we live up to it.”
Gregory Pinch, the president of the Disabled Persons of America United, a non-profit subsidiary of the World Disability League, held a press conference in a handicapped parking space in front of a Vons Supermarket in Los Angeles.
“We’re happy tonight,” he said. “But no one should think our work is over. We’re not suddenly extinct. This is just the beginning. There’s a long way to go. We demand full limb and organ replacement for every American over fifty. That remains our goal, and we’re not backing down an inch from it.”
NASA has just received what it states is the first clear non-human communication from space. Coming through Reuters and AP, the message reads: “There is and has been, for many eons, life on Mars. We are the Martians. We are coming, with translators. Ready your applications for federal aid. We have needs, and they must be met. After careful studies, our relocation preferences are Bel-Air, and Scarsdale.”
Henry Kissinger, reached at his underground home in Mordor, Virginia, spoke slowly into television cameras: “Why don’t we simply erase the US-Mexico border? Extend full benefits to everyone on both sides. It reduces traffic, and when environmentally necessary depopulation swings into high gear, the whole question of welfare will become moot.”
At the open today, the stock price of the Home Shopping Network jumped from 57 to 134. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are meeting with Wal-Mart executives. Talks involve the injection of 30 billion dollars of new capital into store expansion. Reports indicate Wal-Mart is about to break ground on a new superstore that will cover 9000 acres in Montana.
The acreage will adjoin a gigantic housing development to be built for immigrants from Somali, the North Pole, Tierra del Fuego, London, and Toronto.
Monsanto has just announced the introduction of a wireless detection system that can calculate the quantity of GMO food any human in America consumes over the course of his/her lifetime.
“This is a cumulative and ongoing up-to-the-minute sum for each person,” a corporate press release indicated. “In conjunction with the federal government, for every kilo of GMO vegetable, grain, or flesh ingested, welfare benefits in the amount of eight thousand dollars will be added to that person’s investment account.”
General Morris Flathead Rigor, chairman of the joint chiefs, told Wolf Blitzer, “America is going to have an army of millionaires. I think it’s wonderful. We have to invade and destroy foreign populations. That’s our mandate. With very rich combat soldiers in the field, we’ll be much happier doing our work.”
Have a nice day.
We’re all in this together.
The author of two explosive collections, THE MATRIX REVEALED and EXIT FROM THE MATRIX, Jon was a candidate for a US Congressional seat in the 29th District of California. Nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, he has worked as an investigative reporter for 30 years, writing articles on politics, medicine, and health for CBS Healthwatch, LA Weekly, Spin Magazine, Stern, and other newspapers and magazines in the US and Europe. Jon has delivered lectures and seminars on global politics, health, logic, and creative power to audiences around the world. You can sign up for his free emails at www.nomorefakenews.com